Anger

As much as we may want everyone to always agree with everything we say and do, that’s just never going to happen. We all have different experiences, knowledge, and personalities and this leads to differing opinions.

This is actually good. Differing opinions can uncover blind spots and help us improve our understanding and actions. Disagreeing isn’t bad. Where things tend to go bad is in how we deal with those disagreements.

Talking Over Each Other
I hate watching most political talk shows. Why? It’s how they are done. A host has a few people on to talk about a topic where there is disagreement. There’s only a couple minutes for the whole conversation, so everyone has one goal, to get their point across. There’s no listening or attempt to understand everyone just talks over the others and thinks they won if they yelled louder.

In the end, what is the result? No one has changed their mind and everyone got upset, maybe even hurt. It’s not just talk shows where this happens. It happens in family arguments and board meetings to name a few. It’s just as ineffective and destructive in those places. It’s also not necessary. There is another way.

The Power of Listening
There can still be differing ideas, but rather than insisting on making our point heard, we can be insistent on listening and understanding the other person’s point of view. This has huge benefits.

• Calming Emotions – When everyone is taking the time to listen to each other, it allows people to remain calm and gentle.
• Better Understanding – Surprise! You might not be right or at least not totally. There may be another perspective you can learn from. When we don’t dig-in behind our position, it gives us the freedom to modify or change our position if beneficial.
• Everyone Feels Valued – One of the effects of talking over people is that they don’t feel heard and they feel like their opinion isn’t valued. We don’t always have to agree, but we will all come out of the discussion better if we all feel like the other person listened to us and values us.
• We Remember the Other Person Isn’t Evil or Stupid – It’s likely that both parties have good intentions and good reasons for their position. When we listen, we can hear that. When we don’t listen, we start to make bad assumptions (“They just don’t care about people” etc.)
• We Can More Effectively Convince Others – If you understand why the other person disagrees, you can speak to those reasons in a way that they can understand.
• We Look Wiser – There’s an old saying, “It’s better to remain silent and have people think you’re a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.” When we listen first, remain calm, and choose our words carefully, we are much less likely to say something foolish or regretful.